sanji's a hufflepuff if you disagree meet me in the pit
by MalkyTop
Summary: the vinsmokes have always been a prestigious, pureblood slytherin family. and then there's sanji.


**Commissioned by SummerOtaku**

* * *

V, for Vinsmoke. That had put him near the end of the line – _all_ of them at the end of the line, actually, and he had waited through the As, the Os, the Qs, waited for Ichiji, for Niji, had ignored Yonji's not-so-friendly punch on the shoulder as he marched up to that ratty old hat, had sat down, and the hat had barely even touched his scalp before it bellowed:

* * *

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Yonji almost fell out of his seat laughing for maybe the sixth time as that damn word continued echoing in the crevices of Sanji's mind. It didn't help that Niji and Yonji alternated belting it out every few seconds. It _really_ didn't help that the Hufflepuff table was right next to Slytherin's.

Hufflepuff.

He could have accepted Ravenclaw. Even Gryffindor would've been tolerable, despite how angry his dad would've been; Gryffindor stood for _something._ What the heck did Hufflepuff even _mean?_ Why did it have to have 'puff' in the name?

"Jeez, all you had t' do was get that hat to say 'Slytherin' and you couldn't even get _that_ right!"

"Dad's gonna _flip_ when he finds out! Maybe he'll pull you outta school…maybe he'll finally disown you…!"

All around them, students new and old chattered away about the food, the castle, the ghosts, and yet all he could hear were the words pounding against his back. He couldn't even tell who was saying what. It didn't matter. Just when he finally proved he wasn't a complete disappointment, just when he finally showed potential…

"Hey leave him alone, wouldya?"

It took him a little while to realize that that snapped statement was related to him. Only when the pounding words against his back turned into a barrage of, "Stay outta this," "This is Vinsmoke business," "Say that again, see what happens," and when he looked up from his untouched plate, his brothers weren't looking at him for once. Instead, they were shouting at a nerdy-looking pink-haired boy sitting next to him, who was cringing a bit at the attention but still stubbornly glaring.

Sanji nudged him, hard. "Shut up," he hissed.

The nerdy kid blinked and whirled his head to face him. "But they're – ! I'm just – !"

"Please, let me worry about these boys." Sanji stiffened. That voice wormed down his back, silky smooth as always, like water. Like blades. Reiju smiled at the boy, and with a little hesitation, he nodded meekly and turned back around. (How did she always manage to do that? Was it age? Was it being a girl?)

"Alright you three, turn around and start eating," Reiju barked, an odd sort of sound that managed to be harsh in a shell of soft. Immediately, each brother swiveled around on the bench and examined their plates with unnatural intensity. And then, she turned to him.

"Sanji," she said, smiling. "Why don't you sit with us?"

"But I'm," Sanji stuttered, glancing to his neighboring students. But no. This was a Vinsmoke matter.

Reiju tilted her head. "I'm sure nobody would mind. We're family, aren't we? I've got a seat right here." And, despite the crowded table, she did. She patted the empty space beside her with a metronomic beat.

Sanji left his plate behind. Reiju already had one for him anyways. It was loaded with carefully chosen favorites of his. He sat with his hands on his lap.

"Please don't tell him," he whispered, too quiet to be heard. Reiju heard him anyways.

"Oh Sanji, I'm sorry, I don't have a choice," she chirruped, mixing up her mashed potatoes with a healthy dose of gravy. "He'll want to be informed. And don't you think it'll be better if I break the news to him rather than him finding out on his own?"

Was it better to break an arm or a leg, he wanted to shoot back, but just imagining his father's reaction squeezed his stomach until he thought he would barf, and he leaned forward and clapped a hand over his mouth.

Reiju sliced a sausage and bit softly into it. "You won't have a dinner at all if you don't eat now."

He could feel his brothers' leers, hear their snickers through mouthfuls of food. He picked up a fork and sifted through his plate, pressing hard against the edges of the handle. The people around him all bore the jade green of Slytherin, and though he hadn't gotten the colored tie and such yet, surely everybody else could tell. Surely there was some sort of yellow emblem nailed to his soul, broadcast to the rest of the table. He was sitting where he was meant to be, and yet he didn't belong.

But that was nothing new.

* * *

His luggage was piled neatly at the foot of his bed, sitting there like a patient dog, and somehow that hurt even more than the Hat. Boys chattered around him about the castle, the halls, the food, the common room, threw open their trunks and clamored for space in closets, on bedside dressers, gaped at the plants hanging from the ceilings, crowded around windows and gazed out at the picturesque scenery of a field (despite being underground).

"Settle down, settle down," the prefect barked, not unkindly, as Sanji threw off his robes, dumped them on the earthy floor, and threw the covers over his head in an effort to block out all the yellow. But the inside of the quilt was yellow as well.

"It looks like some of us are tired, so let's all be quiet now..."

He listened as the lights dimmed and the chatter died down and the room settled into a restful quiet. He listened to soft breathing, a homesick whimper, fabric against fabric. He listened all night to anything other than his own mind.

* * *

Breakfast was an oddly subdued affair after all the pomp and circumstance of the Sorting Ceremony the night before. In the light of day and under the fog of sleep deprivation, even the Hufflepuff table seemed welcoming. The food, it turned out, was as delicious as everybody had made it out to be, and sitting on the Gryffindor side might have been cowardly, but ultimately much more pleasant. Even when his brothers all sat pointedly in his line of sight, they couldn't do anything over there but make faces, which Sanji could make right back.

And then, the mail came.

His dad's owl was easily identifiable, with its large size and stern demeanor that only an eagle-owl could have. It dwarfed pretty much all the other incoming owls, forcing them to open a path in front of it else be bumped aside. And, to Sanji's surprise, it dove straight for his table and skidded to a stop through several Hufflepuff meals right into his pancakes.

In its syrup-covered talons was a seething red envelope.

If the five-pound bird landing in their breakfast hadn't alerted the entire table, then Sanji dropping his fork and shooting to his feet definitely would have done it. He moved to snatch the howler away only to burn his fingers – it was already at its exploding point. No, of course it was. The timing of it had probably been all planned out. That's just the thing he'd do, Sanji thought as he squeezed his eyes shut and the howler burst in a plume of acrid smoke. And then the next thing anybody heard was the amplified voice of Judge Vinsmoke.

" _YOU SPINELESS BRAT!"_ it started, and Sanji covered his ears along with everybody else, not that it helped any. He could feel the voice of his father thrum through his chest, the vibrations rattling his heart so hard that he was afraid it would snap off its tethers and fall to his stomach. _"NEVER IN MY LIFE WOULD I HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO BE THIS MUCH OF A DISAPPOINTMENT! A HUFFLEPUFF! YOU ARE A STAIN ON OUR BLOODLINE!"_ Just across the aisle at the Slytherin table, Sanji saw Reiju catch his eye and smile brightly back at him. She would have waved if her hands weren't busy covering her own ears. " _THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED IN THE HISTORY OF THE VINSMOKE FAMILY! CONSIDER YOURSELF – "_

The vitriol cut off quite suddenly on account of the howler bursting into flames, which was fairly typical for a howler, but not in the middle of the message. Sanji blinked as the ashes drifted down, sprinkling the scrambled eggs, then looked back up to see someone standing on the bench across from him with a wand extended.

The first thing Sanji noticed was the green tie (rather, the green untie) hanging around the boy's neck. The second thing he noticed was the telltale signs of an incendiary spell just about snuffing out at the end of his wand. In the absence of the howler's voice, the Great Hall felt like a vacuum of noise.

"Fifteen points from Slytherin," the headmaster called from the faculty table.

That snapped the school out of its trance. The Slytherin boy spun towards the end of the hall. "What! What for?!"

"The use of magic outside of class without supervision," the headmaster replied.

"Oh. Yeah, guess I did that." The boy's laugh was much too loud and carefree for someone who had just gotten a penalty, and the Slytherins seemed to agree, given how many of them were glaring at him.

"I'll take off another five for your tie if you don't sit down."

The boy hit the bench with a thunk, squished between two Hufflepuffs who hadn't quite expected a new neighbor. Sanji found himself sitting back down as well, ducking under his father's owl as it scratched at the table with irritation. He could see the boy collecting someone's upturned plate and starting to scoop scattered bacon onto it. And though this couldn't have been what the headmaster meant, there were no further objections from that end of the hall and breakfast continued on.

"Why'd you do that," Sanji demanded while the boy poked at the eagle-owl and flicked little bits of bacon at it, whooping when it caught them out of the air. When the boy stared blankly at him, he added, "Burning up my letter!"

"It was loud. And annoying."

"It was private." His fingernails dug into the wood of the table until they stung with stress. "A family matter."

The boy's face scrunched up with distaste. "It was a loud and annoying private family matter. I'm Luffy."

"That's still – " Sanji said before registering the greasy hand held out towards him. Through shock and instinct, he grabbed it – then yanked his hand back, smacking the person sitting next to him in the jaw. " _Holy –_ that's _disgusting!_ Have you ever washed your hands?!" Sanji almost wiped the thin film of grease off on his shirt, caught himself, and then wiped it off on the kid he just smacked.

Luffy gave him an odd look, ran his hand against his tongue once, and then held it out again. "What's your name?"

And to this filthy, uncouth, oblivious kid, the answer just...easily slipped out. And, goddammit, what the hell, he shook his hand.

* * *

"Hey Sanji! There you are!"

Sanji instinctively flinched, but relaxed his shoulders when Luffy slid onto the seat across from him, followed closely by another kid still in his robes despite it being the breaktime between classes. "This's Sanji," Luffy told him, gesturing with a wide arm like Sanji was a monument instead of an eleven-year-old kid. "Sanji, this is my best friend Usopp!"

Sanji nodded at the nose-kid, looked back to Luffy, then did a double take back to the nose-kid, or rather, the nose-kid's noticeably red tie. " _You're_ friends with _him?"_ he blurted, not really knowing who he was directing this to.

Apparently, Luffy decided it was directed towards him. "Yeah? So?"

"A Slytherin and a _Gryffindor?"_ But Luffy just started digging in his ear. Sanji looked to Usopp for any sort of affirmation that this was _really weird,_ and Usopp just shrugged.

"My dad knows one of his dad's friends," he said, waving a hand. "We've been friends for ages."

"Yup!" Luffy chimed in, his wide smile offset by his finger now being in his nose.

Sanji stared at Luffy, then leaned towards Usopp. "So…did the Hat make a mistake or…?"

"Selfish, stubborn, doesn't care about rules, doesn't stop until he gets what he wants," Usopp counted off, and then leaned his chin into his hand and sighed. "That's pretty much him."

"Yup!"

Sanji looked back and forth between them. "That's not how best friends should – I mean, best friends don't talk about each other like that," Sanji squirmed and ducked his head as Luffy and Usopp's stares seemed to only intensify. "...I think…?"

"'You think,'" Usopp repeated, his tone flat with disbelief.

Sanji's fingers knotted together, twisted, pulled, and he wondered if he should say anything even as he was in the middle of saying it. "I don't, I never really had, best friends." Every word kept getting softer as he went along until Usopp and Luffy both were leaning over the table to even hear what he was saying. "Or," he mumbled, "friends, even."

"But _we're_ best friends."

Sanji looked up to snap an annoyed, 'Yeah, I _know,'_ only to see Luffy looking straight at him and oh, oh.

"We just met," Sanji spluttered, leaning back, away from that earnestly serious face. "And you said Usopp's your best friend, you can't have _two_ best friends, that's not what 'best' means!"

Luffy scowled. "We're. Best. Friends."

Sanji was starting to see what Usopp meant. It was weirdly intense. It was kinda nice. It was a little scary.

Usopp gave him a wry smile and patted his hand with sympathy.

* * *

On Wednesdays, after lunch, Hufflepuff had Charms with Slytherin. It was a mixed bag. Or, perhaps, Pandora's Box – too many negatives and only one positive.

Approaching the classroom, Sanji let out his breath when he saw Luffy by the door, cheerful as ever, chatting someone's ear off. But. Even though that someone's back was towards him, Sanji could very clearly see it was Yonji, and lunch suddenly felt like a cannonball in his guts.

They were in the same house, of course. They were in the same year. It would have been inevitable. And yet, and yet, he didn't want to lose this, couldn't lose this, he couldn't let Yonji say _anything,_ and so Sanji marched up, spun Yonji around by the shoulder, shouted, "Go away!" and promptly realized that.

This. Wasn't Yonji.

The boy who wasn't Yonji looked, in fact, entirely different from Yonji, besides the hair color. Although, he also looked like a dull idiot with no business being around Luffy. Also, he looked a bit pissed off.

" _You_ go away," not-Yonji spat back.

"Hey Sanji! This's Zoro! He's like my best friend." And that hurt a little more than Sanji liked to admit, but then Luffy turned around and added, "That's Sanji, he's my best friend." And that affected him much more than Sanji liked to even acknowledge. He ignored Zoro for now.

"Hey, we're probably gonna have to pick partners in class, so..."

"Aw, bro! You were waiting for us?"

Oh. Right.

Ichiji spared a glance before walking right in, but Niji and Yonji leaned on each of his shoulders with all of their weight. Their grins flanked him and he couldn't help but freeze.

"Oh! It's the Sanji clones!" Luffy said with a grin. And the confirmation that Luffy had definitely met his brothers before, had definitely talked to them before, made him want to puke.

"We already told you our names!" Yonji snapped back. "It's not even that hard to remember!"

"They don't even look the same," Zoro added, gesturing vaguely at the three of them with exasperation.

Niji leaned on Sanji even harder. "So, how 'bout we partner up today? I'm sure Charms'll be way better with family, right?"

Sanji shook both of them off and spun around, fists clenched. Not that he was allowed to raise them. Not like they could do anything. "Actually," he said through gritted teeth, "I was asking Luffy if we could be partners."

"I already asked him," Zoro said, who was now officially the worst person in the world.

"Let's all be partners!"

"That's not how partners work."

"You don't wanna be partners with Sanji anyways," Yonji cut in, and Zoro and Luffy looked up from their interrupted conversation quizzically. Yonji's smile turned into a sneer. "Y'know, since he's – "

Sanji slammed into Yonji and wrung the front of his robes with his fist, almost wound his other one up for a real, actual punch – but class was starting and the professor was visible behind his lectern and Sanji just let go and mumbled, "I'll just sit with Yonji."

"We can still sit near each other," Luffy said as Sanji filed into place beside his brothers, who nudged him side to side and cackled all the way to their seats.

* * *

"...at the same time, swish and flick – yes...?" the professor called out, seeing Ichiji's hand shoot up.

Sanji couldn't see his face – Ichiji had taken the seat right in front of him – but he could see the languid way he leaned on his elbow as he drawled, "Do we really have to do all this simple stuff first, sir?"

The professor paused, glanced around the classroom. "Well...this is simply how the curriculum goes. We start with the basics."

"I understand, sir. But," Ichiji added, and he had to be sneering because Sanji could hear it, "who here doesn't know the basics?"

Sanji's quill almost snapped with the force he pushed on it. His brothers on either side of him suddenly felt too close, and closing in. His breathing was loud, much too loud, the professor had to be able to hear it, but instead he frowned slightly and replied, "It may be simple to you, sonny, but not everybody has the same experience. My job is to make sure that everybody's up to speed, and yes, that includes 'the basics.' Now if that's all cleared up, why don't we – "

"I guess you're right, sir," Ichiji said, and then he finally turned around and looked Sanji straight in the eyes. "Not everybody would know the basics. Especially muggles and Squi – "

Sanji shot to his feet, chair clattering to the floor, wand pointed straight at Ichiji's forehead. The girl sitting next to him flinched away, glancing back and forth between them. The professor spluttered, his own wand halfway raised, and he managed a flustered, high-pitched, " _Boys!"_

Ichiji smiled. Bared his teeth.

"Can you even do anything with that? Since you're a Squ – "

" _Sectumsempra!"_

He didn't know what he was supposed to feel, or what was supposed to happen. It seemed like he ought to feel _something._ A well of power pulsing forth. Something focused into his hand and funneled out.

All that happened was a brief flash.

" - ib," Ichiji finished.

Sanji couldn't move. He stood with his arm outstretched, pointing an unloaded gun, and he could hear the whispering start around him, and he wished that if he just didn't move, everybody would go back to not knowing his existence, he wished that every step that led him here, to this moment, had never existed, all the way back to his own miserable birth.

"A squib?" "Can he really be one?" "How did he get in?"

"Children, children," the professor bellowed desperately, waving his hands downward like he was trying to push down the noise.

Ichiji leaned back against his desk, languid eyes taking in the class. "Can you even learn anything here? I mean, what's the point of a wizard who can't do magic?"

"I can," Sanji mumbled back.

"Cut it out," the Slytherin girl next to Ichiji hissed, shoving him in the shoulder. He showed no notice.

"You did one levitating spell. Or didja do any others while I wasn't looking?"

Sanji's arm fell a fraction of an inch. He couldn't look up anymore. The whispering continued despite the professor's efforts, but all of it sounded washed out.

"Face it," Ichiji continued, shrugging off the Slytherin girl's more insistent shove. "You don't even belong here."

And then, who knew how, Luffy was suddenly pushing by Sanji, vaulting over his desk, and he punched Ichiji hard enough to knock him out of his seat.

* * *

"A-an, and, the _things_ he said…! Oh professor, it was so _vile,_ he _threatened_ him…! Any kid would raise their wand in defense, oh, just remembering it…!"

It was just after class, Sanji, Ichiji and Luffy standing in a contrite line in front of the professor while the Slytherin girl suddenly wept into her hands.

Ichiji scowled at her. "I didn't say that stuff."

The professor turned to Sanji, and he shuffled under that stare, mumbled nonsense words.

"Sanji," Ichiji said. "Tell him."

"Oh, professor! That was the exact tone he used!"

"No threats please," the professor said wearily, then rubbed his forehead. "Even if we call it self-defense Sanji, you still clearly attempted the Slashing Curse on another student."

Sanji stared down at his shoes. "I, I didn't…"

"He didn't know what it would do, professor! Why, I've heard others say incantations and not know what they did! And nothing happened, right? So please, sir, couldn't you overlook this? Please?"

"Even so – "

" _Please?"_ Her hands were clasped together as she pouted, standing on her toes to push her doe-eyed face that much closer into the professor's. The professor leaned back, seeming to have trouble averting his eyes.

"I can understand your position," he said, "but,"

And Sanji blinked and all of a sudden he was being led out by the girl and into the hallways. She cried out a tearfully grateful "Thank you, sir!" right before shutting the door behind her; and as soon as it slid into place, she let go of Sanji's hand and turned around, eyes somehow not red or puffy at all, her expression somehow wiped clean of anything sentimental. "You owe me."

Sanji blinked. His brain was slowly catching up. "Huh?" but the girl was already turning to someone (Zoro, his mind supplied) leaning against the wall beside the door. "Told you I could."

Zoro scowled as he reached for a pouch tied to his belt, but shot back, "The bet was to get _Luffy_ out."

"No, your phrasing was 'to get _them_ out.' Never said who. Or what," she added, flipping a galleon that Sanji hadn't noticed was in her hand and catching it out of the air. "Pay up, Roronoa."

Zoro grumbled and slammed several coins into her waiting hand and she smiled back before turning to Sanji again. "You okay?"

Now that she was looking at him with that beautiful concern in her eyes, he sure was. Sanji's heart twisted. "Thanks."

But she only waved him off. "Nah, my pleasure. That guy's a real jerk. I mean, he wasted part of my tuition pulling that stunt! Honestly."

"So are you really a Squi – "

The girl punched Zoro in the arm, hard enough for him to have to take a step away. " _Geez!_ I'm only asking!"

"Well _don't,_ " she shot back. "There's something called _tact,_ idiot – "

"Maybe I am," Sanji mumbled, and yet the two Slytherins stopped and looked towards him. "I should be able to cast spells by now, right? Everybody else can. But..."

It took almost ten years for anything remotely magical to happen around him. And even then all that happened was a levitating spoon. But maybe that was a fluke. Maybe someone else had done it. Maybe he would have to be kicked out of school, kicked out of his home, live a muggle life while knowing everything he was missing out on. Maybe…

Zoro sighed. "Who cares? You'll learn how. We're all learning. That's what schools are for."

Sanji stared. The girl slowly set a hand on Zoro's shoulder. "Wow, guess even you can be insightful sometimes, huh?" Zoro immediately threw off her hand as she started to laugh and barked something out that sounded like a mix between 'shut up' and 'what's that supposed to mean,' which ended up sounding like 'shut's that up…mean?'

The girl laughed even harder, which just flustered Zoro all the more, and, well, Sanji laughed too, a mixture of amusement and pure relief.

Someone tapped his shoulder from behind. "Hey Sanji," said Usopp, walking up next to him and giving the two Slytherins a wary glance. "Where's Luffy?"

"Getting detention for punching someone," Zoro said, and while Usopp startled at the intrusion, he still shook his head.

"That took longer than I thought, honestly...who's the guy who deserved the punch and why?"

Zoro gestured towards Sanji. "Well this guy – _ow, hey!_ "

Usopp looked between the girl punching Zoro repeatedly and Sanji and back again. "Uh. You don't have to tell me if it's personal..."

Sanji opened his mouth. He did not say, "I'm basically a Squib." Instead, he clicked his mouth shut and shook his head.

Usopp nodded pensively. Something in his face shifted. And then he smiled and said, "Y'know, if anybody gives you trouble, Luffy's a good guy to have, but you can tell me too. Just tell them my name, even; after all, I've been the number one duelist since I was three. Just the sound of my voice is enough to send adults to their knees in fear!"

"Liar," Sanji said, but he laughed appreciatively.

"No joke, it's true! And – "

The classroom door opened. It wasn't Luffy.

Sanji stepped backwards when Ichiji strode out with a stormy expression, but suddenly his view was slightly obscured. The two Slytherins had slid in front of him, side to side, like a wall. Usopp had also stepped back along with him, had the same expression that Sanji felt, but the way he reached out and held his hand, rubbed his thumb against Sanji's palm like a constant reminder, was just as powerful, and Sanji was suddenly struck by the realization that, he had laughed. With others. Twice, even. And maybe school was the best thing to happen to him.

Ichiji had moved for Sanji before Zoro and the girl stepped in between. He glanced at all of them, made a loud, disinterested sound, and pushed past them down the hall.

Sanji let out a breath.

* * *

"It wasn't any of your business," Sanji said when Luffy finally left the Charms classroom an hour after class was over. Ichiji had gotten detention, which was satisfying in a nasty way. Luffy had gotten a longer detention.

Luffy just snorted as the group wound their way through the halls, bumping against each other congenially. "He was really pissing me off. And don't say 'it's a family matter' or whatever because – "

"Thanks," said Sanji, "for making it your business."

Luffy blinked, stared. And then broke into a smile that was almost blinding in its sincerity.

"Any time!"


End file.
